That Day In April
by Helen8462
Summary: "April 26th might be the day you remember as making one of the most difficult decisions of your life - the day you associate with losing crewmembers and being irreparably lost. But for me, it was the day I was found. It ended a life of violence and hatred. It brought me back to serving a greater good - working for more than just revenge and retribution." [J/C, Post-endgame]


_**A/N:** This story is for my husband who supports me through all of my trials and quirks – most recently, my endeavor to learn how to write. I realized that the anniversary of the day we met (and our first date), April 26th, was also the day that Voyager was lost in the Delta Quadrant. I thought it a nifty coincidence and ran with it._

 _In response to the prompt that (future) hubs gave me when I extended a dinner invitation about ten minutes after we met. "I just ate, but I could eat again."_

 _Also, thanks to CarlynRoth for her help with my wandering tenses._

* * *

 _"April is the cruelest month, breeding_  
 _lilacs out of the dead land, mixing_  
 _memory and desire, stirring_  
 _dull roots with spring rain."_

 _-T.S. Eliot_

* * *

Admiral Janeway regarded the grassy, green space between the academy buildings with a heavy sigh. From her place on a well-worn bench, hidden within a row of manicured trees, she watched as the last of the cadets left their classrooms and study spots to return to their housing for the night.

She had been like them once, focused on lessons and theories and training. She, too, had lived from exam to exam, interrupted only by moments of dreaming about what scientific and cultural wonders she would be privileged to explore. She shook the irony from her mind and focused on her immediate surroundings.

The sky was beginning to grow dim - the sun sliding colorfully down toward the horizon - and without its heat the air took on a bit of a damp chill. Winter's grip on San Francisco hadn't completely lost its hold. They had been home for three months now and she had yet to feel warm.

There was somewhere else she was supposed to be at this moment – someone she was supposed to be with - but all she really wanted was the chance to reflect while this particular day drew to a close. Her memories from seven years ago were all terribly faded now. She fought to bring back the little details that had once haunted her so completely - the smell of burning conduits, the lifeless eyes of her first officer and helmsman, the surge of complete and utter terror that had swept through her at the carnage. Most disturbing, she recalled how the still-new fourth pip on her collar did nothing to allay such an overwhelming feeling of powerlessness amidst responsibility.

When she was done torturing herself with those points, she brought to mind the way that her order to destroy the Caretaker's array had reverberated through her ears. "Fire," she had said. And with that one word she knew that she had quite possibly condemned them all.

After a time, she looked down at her hands. She felt the imagined weight of two familiar PADDs. One contained a casualty list, a list that would continue to grow and grow. The other, displayed a report on how very long it would take them to get home - a duration which would continue to shrink. It was an inverse correlation she had grown to hate.

The Admiral leaned back on her bench and ran a tired hand through her hair. She was home now. Her crew, or what was left of them, were safe in the arms of their loved ones. Why then, did day this still bother her so very much?

She couldn't stay in the quad all night to try to hash it out, but perhaps revisiting another set of memories would help her to accept some of the good in what had come to pass. And so, she allowed herself to drift gently back to more vivid memories from two years earlier.

* * *

 _"I heard the strangest rumor today. Apparently, the Captain and First Officer almost came to blows," she said, eyeing him hesitantly._

 _"Mutiny?"_

 _"First Officer walked the plank. So I heard," she replied, pouring herself a cup of coffee._

 _"I don't believe a word of it."_

 _"Me neither."_

 _She regarded him out of the corner of her eye. He was deciding how to break up the mild tension that had been steadily growing between them. She hoped he would have better success than she'd had. Simply avoiding the topic through the beginning of the meal hadn't succeeded in putting her mind at ease._

 _"Seven was malfunctioning," he said finally. "We don't have that excuse."_

 _A heavy sigh left her lips. "You're right," she conceded. "We've been through too much to stop trusting each other."_

 _He nodded and already she felt much better. 'How can one simple gesture from him do so much?' she wondered._

 _"You didn't poison the coffee, did you?" he asked her playfully._

 _"Not any more than I usually do."_

 _Her drink was still steaming hot, but oh, it tasted so good. When she came up from an extended sip she heard him say, "You know, I had something decidedly different planned for today."_

 _"Oh?"_

 _"I'm not sure I should remind you…." Chakotay leaned his head to the side as if to consider her for a moment. "It's been five years, Kathryn."_

 _Yet another sigh left her lips and she felt her eyes close as she realized what day it really was._

 _"I noticed this morning, but in all of the excitement I guess I'd almost forgotten." Her admission felt like defeat as she met his eyes again. "It's kind of fitting, don't you think? This would be the day we'd stop trusting each other?"_

 _"The day?"_

 _His words stung. But he was right. They'd had several breaches in trust at that point. Each one seemed to whittle away a little more at the both of them, creating another point of weakness in what used to be a much stronger relationship._

 _"Okay, one of the days," she granted him._

 _Chakotay shrugged. "I wouldn't read into it too much."_

 _"Well, once again, you've managed to distract me for the occasion. This was your most original plan yet."_

 _He laughed a bit. "As if I could have planned something quite this….elaborate." And he was right, she wouldn't have believed the absurdity of the situation until she'd lived it. "I had something decidedly different on tap, actually," he said finally._

 _His words intrigued her and her mug found its place on the table. "Do tell."_

 _"I was going to take you sailing, on Lake George," he said with a shrug, as if he was just suggesting that they have another cup of coffee and not go do something as incredibly intimate as sailing on a pristine lake with champagne and moonlight. "It's been a while since we've done that."_

 _She allowed her thoughts to drift back to the last time they had gone sailing - so long ago, she could barely recall. "That would have been nice," she agreed, and certainly she knew it would have been very distracting. "Much better than thwarting a conspiracy." Then she tried to remember… "What was it we did last year?"_

 _"Velocity," he replied. "You kicked my ass, remember?"_

 _She felt a broad smile move across her face at the recollection. She had taken him, three games to one. "Ah yes, that ended up being a pretty good day after all." She searched deeper in her faded memory banks. "The year before that was - "_

 _Chakotay opened his mouth to answer but she stopped him with a hand in the air. "Don't tell me. Sandrine's."_

 _He nodded. "You kicked my ass that night too."_

 _"Four games in a row," she said proudly and then a thought crossed her mind. "You haven't been losing to me all these years just to make me feel better, have you?_

 _He shook his head. "Of course not."_

 _"Mmm hmm," she replied suspiciously. "Speaking of times I don't trust you."_

 _He broke into a wide grin._

 _"Ok, so the year before that…." She tapped her finger to her lips. 'What year would that have been?', she thought. 'The second or the third?' So much time was spent out here she had lost count._

 _She heard him clear his throat. "I think we've gone back far enough."_

 _Realization hit her. "Oh, right." She found herself looking downwards to instinctively avert her eyes. "That was the year…." she said, so he knew that she knew. The truth was, that year was the one where he had found her in a heap on the floor feeling particularly sorry for herself. That was the year he had realized just how much this day – this whole blasted situation – angered and depressed her._

 _"Yes, well. I never really agreed with your aversion to this day anyway," he told her, and he leaned back casually in his chair._

 _"You don't...?"_

 _"No."_

 _His words made her feel a bit hot under the collar. "You don't understand why the anniversary of the day that I gave the orders that got this whole crew stranded in the Delta Quadrant for God-knows how many years still yet to come, would grate just a little bit on my nerves?" she said, and with each passing word the heat under her tunic amplified her voice._

 _"Kathryn," he replied, trying to calm her._

 _"Don't 'Kathryn' me."_

 _He put his hand out to touch hers. She flinched, but did not pull away. I understand. I just don't agree with it that's all. And look, you have to give yourself permission to feel the way you do. I don't blame you for that and I'm certainly not judging you. I'm just trying to be a friend, that's all."_

 _He was right, of course. He was being very kind and she was apparently just looking for another fight to round out the evening. "I know. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have lashed out at you. It's just been a long day," she conceded._

 _Her hawk eyes were watching his movements. She observed an out-of-place wry smile play over his lips, his thoughts seemed suddenly far away._

 _"What? What are you thinking?" she asked, leaning in closer._

 _Chakotay inhaled sharply and snapped himself back to reality. "Me? Nothing."_

 _But it was certainly something, and in that moment she suspected she had read his mind as she had oft been able to do. "All these years, I thought you were just trying to distract me, but it was more than that wasn't it?"_

 _He shrugged nonchalantly and took a final sip from what must have been cold coffee._

 _"What does April 26th mean to you Chakotay?" she asked, because though she suspected, she needed to hear the words._

 _"It means there are four days left until May."_

 _He was brushing her off again and she wasn't about to stand for it. "You're a smart-ass. What does it mean to you?"_

 _He set his mug down. "Honestly?"_

 _She nodded._

 _"April 26th might be the day you remember as making one of the most difficult decisions of your life - the day you associate with losing crewmembers and being irreparably lost. But for me, it was the day I was found. It ended a life of violence and hatred. It brought me back to serving a greater good - working for more than just revenge and retribution. And….." he trailed off and looked down at the table._

 _There was more to his thought and she wanted to hear it. "And?"_

 _"Nothing. That's all. I answered your question."_

 _"Now I know you're lying."_

 _He pushed his chair back as if to leave. "It's late Kathryn, and you're right. It's been a long day. I should be going."_

 _"You should be, but you're not. Not until you finish that thought," she warned him._

 _He tugged on his ear in a gesture she had learned to attribute to his mild discomfort. "It's the anniversary of when I met you. And one of these years, I intend to celebrate this day - not just distract you from it."_

* * *

"There you are."

Chakotay's deep voice penetrated the silence and snapped Kathryn back to reality. The evening had now fully descended upon them both. Lamplights and stars illuminated an empty quad. He sat down next to her, close, but not touching for fear of invading the space she so clearly had sought out.

"I've been looking all over for you. Everything okay?"

She sighed and wagged her head back and forth a bit before putting her hand on his leg. "I'm fine. Just doing a little thinking, that's all."

"Well, you missed quite a spread. The Ambassador's reception had a buffet as long as the sidewalk," he replied, patting his stomach.

"I didn't feel much like mingling," Kathryn admitted. "I'm like Pavlov's dog when it comes to this day. I see the number on the calendar and I'm automatically depressed."

"Then I suppose my attempt to distract you by getting us invited to the banquet didn't exactly pan out," he said. "I guess I'll have to come up with something better."

"Thanks Chakotay, but I think I just want to be alone for a little while longer."

"Mmm…. No."

His response turned her face to his. "No?"

"Nope," he said matter-of-factly. As if the issue was now closed for discussion.

"Nope?"

"I've spent the last five years' worth of April twenty-sixes worrying about how best to distract you and letting my ego take a hit while I let you beat me at various competitions –"

"You didn't let me win –"

"Yes, I did, and now that we're home it's my turn to decide how we spend this evening."

She gave him glare and a sigh. "But I really don't –"

"Not your choice," he insisted, taking ahold of the hand that had been gently resting on his thigh, and he pulled her up off the bench. "We have a lot more April twenty-sixes in our future and I won't have you miserable on all of them. So, how can I turn things around?" he asked rhetorically as they began to walk away from the bench, arm in arm.

"Maybe you could just take me home so I can sleep until it's the twenty-seventh," she suggested, suddenly feeling rather tired.

"I know!" he said exuberantly. "We'll go back to the reception. There are an awful lot of captains and admirals there. Let's get one of them to marry us."

She stopped dead in her track and looked at him as if he had just grown another head. "Chakotay," she said, unsure if he was being serious or just coy. "We only started dating a month ago."

He shrugged, dimples still showing. "Okay then. But let the record state that April 26th was the day I first proposed."

Her face cracked the first smile he had seen since finding her on the bench.

"Duly noted, if not a bit premature." And then she realized, "You said first proposed? Are you planning on making this a regular occurrence?"

"Only until you say yes," he replied with a certainty that gave her a surge of real warmth against the cold air - his words, the first to make her feel this way in months. "How about before I take you home, I take you to dinner. We'll have a nice meal, then I'll beat you at whatever game you decide you want to challenge me to."

She snorted at the implication. "You're on," she agreed enthusiastically, because she never had been one to back down from a challenge. "You can't be hungry though, I thought you said there was a kilometer of food at the banquet."

"There was. But for you, I'll eat again. Besides, I'm going to need a lot of energy for the challenge I'm hoping you'll dare me to later tonight," he said with a decidedly dirty smile.

"Oh, you most certainly will," she grinned, catching his connotation. "And I guarantee, neither one of us is going to lose."

* * *

 _ **A/N:** For factual consistency, Voyager was taken to the Delta Quadrant on Stardate 48315.6 (1x01 - Caretaker). Someone with way more time on their hands than me converted it to 4/26/2371._

 _ **Reviews inspire and are always appreciated.**_


End file.
